Sunday, March 13, 2005

Hey,

(Sung like Status Quo) Here we go-o, blogging for over a year (loops fourteen times and fades out).

Not one post in a week of such magnitude that magnitude is not the name for it the name for it is actually Tony a butcher from Kidiminister. I apologise. To make up, I bring your a blog entry so spectacular that by comparison London is just a large city.

Things I have learnt this year number 1: Always open with a joke.

A GP, a psychiatrist and a social worker walk into a pub, and section everyone.

Things I have learnt this year number 2: People like to know about the face and body behind the name.

As many of you know, I came to England in the mid 1990s having worked on a cruise ship where I was a lifeboat. Entering the country was particularly difficult because the government at the time was cutting down on former lifeboats entering the country, so I disguised myself as a person with my face and walked past customs wearing a pair of flares I kept stored onboard in case of an emergency. They caused a lot of distress.

I remember my childhood was awkward: my legs were five feet long, while I was only four and a half. I enjoyed sports and captained all of them at once. I was suspended for taking a dive during a football match, off the high board of the local swimming pool. I almost landed on my caddy, who had just scored his half century and a three-pointer. I was also a talented musician, though I never learned an instrument. To compensate, I used to walk to school in E-minor. Later in life I was stopped by the police. The officer asked me how fast I thought I was going. I said about 76 bpm.

By comparison, getting into Oxford to study was much easier. I had purchased three A grades in Maths, Economics and Physics and a D in Drama from a man who most of the time sells hotdogs at Old Trafford during half-time, and presented them to the man at the gates of the city. He let me through with a wave, which was a little bit Mexican. It eventually stopped halfway down Woodstock Road, so I got off and went inside the college there. It was St. Anne's College, founded in 1873 and again in 2002 by me. Here I remained.

Things I have learnt this year number 3: Statistics are much more interesting than anything you can ever write.

The year 2004-2005, broken down:

Months used: 12

Weeks flown by: 7

Days wasted: 32

Minutes spent counting the minutes: 576

Entries posted: 153
...Of which ruled: 49
...Of which did not rule: 21
...Of which caused mild amusement: 82
...Of which caused mild rashing: 17

Opinions ventured: 91

Arguments won: 19

Arguments lost: 423
...Of which were with my girlfriend: 423

Races offended: 12

Jokes told: 396
...Of which were self-depricating: 92
...Of which were were too close to the mark: 43
...Of which were within decent proximity to the mark: 54
...Of which were about Mark: 12
...Of which caused mild rashing: 47
...Of which were stolen: 123
...Of which were subsequently stolen by others: 32
...Of which were printed on a t-shirt: 1

Rivers crossed: 20

Mountains climbed: 52

Physical adversity metaphors employed: 2

Chickens counted: 86
...Of which had not yet hatched: 42
...Of which had previously hatched: 47
...Of which were treading the hatched/not hatched threshold: 6
...Of which turned out to be an albatross: 1

Mild rashing: 29

Patricia Hewitt: 5,204

Punchlines missed in error:

Things I have learnt this year number 4: Always have an credible exit route.

I say, look at that shrew, I think it's playing Brahms...

Speak soon,

Craig

Monday, March 07, 2005

Hey,

I never talked about last nights gig. It was truly awesome. The two support acts were very good and lively, and thundered through two very brutal sets. The second band, Martyr AD played some quite complex, technically excellent grindcore that I really enjoyed. The Haunted gave an incredible performance, full of passion and anger and focus, and coupled with the fact they have a flawless arsenal of thrash metal songs to choose from meant it was always going to be memorable. They ran through "Godpuppet", "DOA", "Shadow World", "Hate Song" "Hollow Ground", "99" and loads more I can't remember, and finished with a truly awe-inspiring rendition of the slower "My Shadow", with Peter Dolving ending up on the floor, screaming "Why?" for a fully twenty seconds.

And I shook his and guitarist Jensen's hand at the end. I am so cool. All the people just want to hang with me, come round my house and split a large bag of Dorito's.

Speak soon,

Craig

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Inna show tomorrow. 'Cited. Very 'cited. Nervous energy exersion falls down dead now.

You're all invited. RSVP.

Craig

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Hey,

Busy Saturday today. I'm off into town pretty soon to go to the CD Fair. This is a uniformly bad idea, but never mind. And then I have gig-ness this evening, and its The Haunted, so it's going to be awesome. And then I'm going to hang around in the Zodiac waiting for someone to join me, or I'm going to go home. Come join me! Or I go home.

Sleep may be starting to become an issue. I think I've had about six hours a night over the last three days. Despite this, I still don't get tired at night, just mid-afternoon when I should be working. It is likely my brain will just give up at some point and run out of my ears like a river of cornflakes. Last night, for instance, I got into bed at three, and still decided to watch an episode of Brass Eye. I love Brass Eye. It is genius. I forget my original point.

Interflora saved my life for Mother's Day, because, despite being home in the week, I completely didn't do anything about it until this morning. I've lost an arm and a leg doing it, though, but that should be a surprise for her tomorrow morning, instead of the usual flowers.

And I might be on stage this week. No promises, because no decision has yet been made. However, they think we are close to being ready, and I'm starting to feel much more confident. So if I am, I'd love for the entire pub to be packed out with my friends. Tragically, I have four, but you all will have to make an effort to be wider.

Speak soon,

Craig

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Hey,

Home for a couple of days, starting yesterday, finishing tomorrow day. Planned to work. Did. Consumption theory is staggeringly exciting. I totally mean that.

Trains annoy me. "Bing Bong the train has been delayed because a piece of track was damaged." How? How was it damaged? Did someone come along specifically to damage that one piece? Tomorrow I expect: "Bing Bong all the trains are defeated, a replacement flamingo service will be in use today." And I will ride atop a elegant pink flamingo all the way to Oxford, standing on its back singing "There'll always be an England", and it will be king-sized.

I was catching up on my Economist backlog. The leader on anti-social behaviour orders had the following: "Some of these people have been jailed for subsequently breaking their ASBO; most absurdly, one man was sentenced to four months in prison for howling like a werewolf". I think either Chris Morris now works for the Economist, or he will have to give up on shows like the Day Today simply because you can't parody stories like that.

Check out The Project for new things. Sign up to the mailing list too, to make me feel better. And tell your friends about it. If you do not you are a enormous red cod-piece.

Speak soon,

Craig