Over the weekend, I was delighted when all my grandparents, aunts and uncles took time out of their day to tell me they thought I was looking, variously, "healthy", "like I'd put on some weight", "fatter", "chunkier", "like a human meatball Sub" and "in the wrong direction". I especially enjoyed how each comment was individual, spread carefully during the cause of the afternoon, rather than a collective opionion as the result of a debate, where it was at least theoretically possible for some people to dissent, though be outvoted.

It should also be noted that my nan did not think this made me any less a nice person. That would only happen if I developed a stutter.

No matter. I am the ostrich. I am the ostrich.