Part two... the story so far: Craig hasn't updated his blogg in a while, and is desperately trying to deal with the impending nightmare of trying to remember things. Unbeknown to him, there is a bomb under the ! key of his laptop, with enough power to take out room eleven, and give Ed in room twelve a bit of a start. Meanwhile, Cath is locked in a mortal struggle with Lord Voltaire, an evil eighteenth century French philospher cum Level 9 Mage and part time amateur adult movie director. She is overcome with the mighty spell Fatigue but battles on valiantly. John is finding it difficult not to tell everyone about his deadly flesh eating virus. Paul's efforts to bed a tall Swedish blonde he had been talking to on the Internet take a hit when he turns out to be a biker called Sven. Oddly, his description was entirely accurate. This seems good enough for Paul. Charl has spent seven days held hostage by Neo-Nazi freedom fighters, but as yet, no-one has expressed any concern. She'll probably be OK.

So yeah, I won at croquet against John, but I did have 8 bisques. Hopefully that will prove to be too many and that my current assumed handicap of 24 is too high. It was fun though, but we both made as lot of mistakes.

Saturday night was good. We had a few drinks and a bit of a laugh and a dance and watched Alice make a pillock of herself. What else could you want? Steph (Stef?) seemed like a really nice lass, and nowhere near as bad as Alice has warned us about. Ra people don't claim to be terrible dancers. The Ra people are blessed with the Dance. Much like the gay people and Jamaicans. Tom is also blessed with the Dance. He draws attention to his crotch in a subtle yet hypnotic fashion. It is a beautiful crotch.

There is another guy in my lectures who now annoys me. He just likes to talk. He also knows nothing. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

Speak soon,

Craig! *explodes*

No update in a while as I desperately search for interesting things to talk about. I'm gonna work backwards.

Last night we watched Swordfish, which is, you know, a bad movie that I enjoyed a load. John Travolta is YO DADDY. I want to be a guy who can say "do this, and I'll give you 10 million dollars" without a.)wondering what this will do to my student overdraft or b.) putting my little finger to the corner of my mouth. The 180 degree pan on the explosion is an unbelieveably beautiful effect, and beats anything the Wackowski Brothers have in their arsenal. Apart from that, its very unrealistic, especially the computer bits. That being said, whats the alternative?

Stan: OK, let's try typing this and...oh, no, no, no, don't do that. Delete, escape, ESCAPE. Right, I won't do that again, now where is the manual?

This was taken from a morning conversation with Paul:

There is no Craig, only I, the Automessage. I demand that you love me says:
morning
Paul says:
gooood morning
There is no Craig, only I, the Automessage. I demand that you love me says:
enjoy the fil-um
Paul says:
uh
Paul says:
yup
There is no Craig, only I, the Automessage. I demand that you love me says:
i never realised computers were so easy
There is no Craig, only I, the Automessage. I demand that you love me says:
tappy tapy tappy back door, loophole, slip in unnoticed, hacking into the pentagon, click on yes, pretty graphics and VERIFIED
Paul says:
uh?
There is no Craig, only I, the Automessage. I demand that you love me says:
u know, computers
Paul says:
...?
Paul says:
you make no sense
There is no Craig, only I, the Automessage. I demand that you love me says:
i do
Paul says:
bbiab - shower
There is no Craig, only I, the Automessage. I demand that you love me says:
ok
Paul says:
how?
Paul says:
oh
Paul says:
the film
Paul says:
i see

He's a pillock.

I should have been in the Economics Library, like, NINE HOURS AGO. I'll finish this later. Come back then for tales of croquet victory, birthday celebrations and dancing crotches.

Speak soon,

Craig

Seriously, who reads this crap? I wouldn't. I'm trying not to as I type, but it's tricky.

One quick apology. Dave is not a fuck, and it was terrible of me to say so. He is, of course, a wan-ker.

I had a postal vote form this morning for the European parlimentary elections. I suppose I should exercise my inalieable right as a citizen of democracy and vote, but I really have no frame of reference to work with. I mean, I just about understand the major policies for UK elections, and could probably make a reasonable guess who I think would win (that's the way the game works, right?). My only interest in European politics is how quickly we can out of it and recolonise the old Empire. So maybe voting for someone to represent the UK in a European parliment is counter-productive. Presumably all the candidates are pro-Europe, otherwise they wouldn't voluntarily give up their time to listen to some oily Eurocrat complain about our inadequate method of measuring bananas, and whatever should be done about this Homer Simpson. Therefore I can't imagine wanting to support any of them. I hear the BNP have some interesting ideas, though. Maybe I'll find out some more.

I'm working on more physical challenges for you all. Those quizzes are fun and all, but if the Evil Monkey Experiment was any indicator, physical memes are by the the greatest. Maybe I'll have one done by this afternoon. Stay tuned.

Speak soon,

Craig

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very High
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Oops.

I would have updated earlier, but I had nothing interesting to say. That may or may not have changed. You decide.

Cath said "Alex says you're hard to get hold of". I laughed so hard that changing underwear was the only decent thing to do.

Paul made a long post on Saturday. You'd think he'd learn. I swear I mean no actual offense:

"The night after"Paul "got no sleep because I was" "f**ing",  Paul was "curled up in my nice warm bed, having" "Sarah and Aisha". "But there's a problem".  As Paul "slams" "Sarah and Aisha", "Steve the porter appears behind" Paul "telling me that he was doing spot security checks". "Because of course, everyone picks up" "Sarah and Aisha". "So, this results in" Paul "walking into my" "handle".

"Ouch."

I had a good weekend. No croquet was played. No losing occured.

Speak soon,

Craig

NOTE: This post was edited and the Paul journal segment shortened because it just wasn't funny and I was losing (3 on a scale of 1 to 10) sleep over it.

Manisha said stuff that upset people. She shouldn't have to apologise. For one, she can say what she likes. For another, I can understand exactly where she is coming from. There's a ton of stuff I'd like to do with my uni days that I don't. I annoy myself. You can blame the workload or exams or whatever you like, but this time next year, or the year after, most of us face going into a world where we can't live the remarkably simple lives we live at Oxford. I'm not sure what scares me more: entering the real world, or finding out that this fake world was wasted.

Sleep is for the weak. There's plenty of time to stay in and do nothing when you're dead.

Oh yeah, Evil Monkey time:

Me first. Its not bad. Probably too manic, and the eyes are scrunched together, as opposed to open and wild.

Good range one of Ed. He seems too happy, but full marks for squatting. Hehehe.

Sylvia...This ones better, but not evil.

This guy doesn't has no sense of direction.

I like this of James. Lots of effort. I'll have to ask John where the finger ended up.

Surly Monkey.

Constipated Monkey

This is terrifying.

Excellent Evil Monkey stylings by Phil.

I hate that this won. Unfortunately, John is inately simian. My mistake. Try this.

Speak soon,

Craig

Hey,

There are a plethora of evil monkey photos to be sifted through and analysed. I am working on it.

Things that happened in my day:

I accidentally tripped and fell and bought the new Fear Factory CD in HMV with money that does not exist yet. It sounds like Demanufacture. That is a good thing. There is also an obscene cover version of Nirvana's 'School'.

I carried a bag of washing to the laundry over my shoulder. It's a fairly non-descript bag. As I was walking through college, Jake Robert's theme music played in my head. I had a maddening urge to DDT a passing academic and empty the bag onto them. This was dedicated to the two people who read this page that might know what I'm talking about.

He finally drove me to it. The guy in my labour economics lecture who laughs at nothing. The doctors managed to reset his jaw more or less. Saved one of his eyes. Apparently, my heart rate didn't go over 85, even when I tore off his lips.

Speak soon,

Craig

Cath says:
don't forget to come get the photo slip
Evil Monkey says:
Automessage: I've gone already
Cath says:
you have not
Cath says:
pillock
Evil Monkey says:
Automessage: Yes I have
Cath says:
why would you have left thre quarters of an hour before your lecture
Evil Monkey says:
Automessage: Because I'm keen
Cath says:
very advanced automessage system you've got here. It appears to be able to read your mind
Cath says:
just come get it ok
Evil Monkey says:
Automessage: Thankyou, you're kind words are very much appreciated. Have a nice day
Cath says:
your automessage system has crap grammar facilities!
Evil Monkey says:
Automessage: I cant' spele eether
Cath says:
riiiiiiight
Cath says:
Craig!
Evil Monkey says:
Automessage: There is no Craig, only I, the Automessage. I demand that you love me
Cath says:
if you don't stop this then i'll post it on my journal so everyone can laugh at you
Evil Monkey says:
Automessage: ...

Today is National Evil Monkey Day. Well it's not, but I need some content. I'm hoping John obliges and help me collect a lot of photos of people doing evil monkey impressions. Winner gets a biscuit.

Here is an evil monkey of which we are trying to impersonate.



Let the games begin.

Craig

I'm reading some economics, and there is a reference to an article by a guy called Intriligator. This is the greatest surname of all time. I want to be Craig The Intriligator. Of course, this necessarily means my middle name would have to be The. Plus, no-one ever uses the middle name when addressing you. Maybe Craigthe Intriligator. But then no-one uses my surname very often either. At least I would be able to put it on my name badge, and at airports, they would put a call out for the Intriligators.

Cath says I'm not allowed to Intriligate.

I haven't decided what it involves yet.

Hey,

Everyone read Sarah's journal. If wonderiferous isn't a word, then it definitely is the one I would choice to describe it. If it is, then I don't know what it means. All the way through I kept thinking of that episode of Dexter's Lab where Dexter's Dad is helping Dexter win the soap-box race in memory of his fallen sister Dee-Dee, who is standing right next to him going, "Dad, I'm right here". He cares not.

Incidentally, I enjoyed punting. I don't know what the punting equivalent of back-seat drivers is, but most of you are them. Incredibly, holding onto and pushing off of other punts makes it just that much harder to control what would otherwise have been a fairly straightforward task.

Friday night TV was good. Friends amused me. Will and Grace was awesome, being as it was my all time favourite episode. Jack was stalking Kevin Bacon. Kevin Bacon is great taking the piss out of himself ("I've never had a PA before. It's not because I'm tight. I'm just not Hollywood, you see, I'm in a band. If anyone wants a CD, theres some in a box on the dryer. They'll be 10 bucks each"). It also featured the best line:

Kevin: "That's just a little tip I picked up from Val Kilmer."
Will: "You were in a movie with Val Kilmer?"
Kevin: "No, but he was in Top Gun with Tom Cruise, who was in A Few Good Men with me. Hmmm, that was a short one."

Also, Derron Brown still rocks.

In politics yesterday, the Eurovision Song Contest happened.

This story is almost too easy to make fun of. Which of the below is your favourite:

a.) The Martin's next two children will be called Bee and Cat.
b.) Since the birth of the 9 lb 11oz baby, Gwyneth has halved in weight.
c.) "How long must I wait for you?"

Votes to the usual address.

Speak soon,

Craig

Heavy metal! You rock! It's mostly about the
music instead of lyrics for you...but you
channel most of the emotion through the lyrics!
Mosh pit for you! Just be careful you don't
give yourself a concussion with so much
headbanging...


What genre of rock are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Obviously...

It's early. Here are things.

A selective edit of Paul's journal:

Paul is "seeing Sarah". She is "very tasty". They "went out to see "The Enternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind"". Before they "went to see that, however, we decided to grab" "The Penis". They "also bumped...in the cinema." "It was still pretty cool", Even if he doesn't get "another one". They "went back to Sarah's for a night", "and ended up" with "like 10 of her friends". "She seems to be a very popular girl; wherever she turns" Paul on. "And then" Paul "came".

No, I don't know why I spent all my time devising this either.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was quirky enough for me to love it. Jim Carrey was really good as the introverted, shy guy in a relationship that probably scares him a little. As they go back through his memories, he becomes more attached and reluctant to let them go. I really dig how the memory erasing of a person reflected a more real physical losing of a person, and the heart ache that it causes. By doing it through memories, the loss is made more potent. It is really a feeling I never want to know. Carrey got that across brilliantly.

I really hurt my thumb last night. I went crack when I slipped getting off the chair and all my weight fell on it. It went crack. I will not be able to steer a boat tonight. Because it went crack. I'm sure you all are dissapointed.

Speak soon,

Craig.

Greatest thing ever:

My penis's new name is Horatio the Ultrasonic Sausage.
Take Name Your Penis
by badasstronaut today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

Ok, so lets get back to my life. That's why your here, right? Tuesday was a day of Kill Bill 2. Here's the thing: I like Tarrantino movies. I like his style, I like the dialogue, I like the black humour and the obscene coolness of his charachters and his stories. I like the quirkiness and the bits that make you go why did he do that? (to which the answer is probably because he felt like it). And I liked this movie. The first one abstracted from a story with the violence and the suggestion that there was a lot more to come in the next part. I'm not disappointed: the next part is full of a proper story, of character developments and a conclusion that is satisfying in it completeness. Also it involves a woman having her eye removed from its socket.

Next up: death metal. I got two new CDs off Ebay, one by Deicide who I think are a US band, and one by Deformity, who are Belgian. Both are good, with a slight preference for the latter. Death metal is a genre that I can understand why most people don't like: the vocals are not the focus of most songs, which is adverse to almost every other genre. For more, the music can be just as absorbing, with the vocals, undecipherable as they are, blending into this. Both bands also show there capable of more than just one heavy, blinding riff and deep growls, with time and pace changes throughout the tracks.

Yes I am aware there are other reasons why people do not like death metal. But those are incorrect.

And finally, I have been locked out of Dave's journal, because I do not have a LiveJournal account. Until this siutation has been resolved I will be showing a picture of my cock every day in the hope that the man's sense will be restored. Go on, click here.

Speak soon,

Horatio. And Craig.

OK, let's see if I remember how I do this...

I apologise. I've been busy and away and doing stuff with my life. I'd call it a hiatus, but 1.) I'm not sure if I've spelt it right, and 2.) I don't know what that word means. Oh yeah, I'm back.

A chronology of events:

I went home Friday. I didn't really do much, except watch Friends (funny this week) and Will and Grace (still great). Then I watched Derron Brown, and he still amazes me. The invisible bit was obscene and I'm sure it was legit. Defintely one of his greatest.

Saturday was a day of golf and beer. It was an open quote played close quote sort of round. Then we went out for Ad's birthday (43 today!) and a good time was had by all. None of the following things happened: Scott said "sham-o moth-er-fucker, check my bad self" over and over until words, life, the universe and everything lost all meaning; I kissed Ad; Some jerk-off thought that staring at the back of Pete in the most pathetic attempt at menacing was a.) hard b.) cool and c.) likely to end well for him; Ad kissed me, and Cath was hungover and spent the entire journey home playing statues. All lies. No truth whatsoever. Word.

Croquet was a lot of fun on Sunday. All four of us played really well, and the result really could have gone each way. Fat dude called Rufus made me think of more interesting and surgical ways to use my mallet.

I'm buying death metal albums on Ebay. I'm off to check if one has arrived.

There you have it.

Craig

Paul is Quagmire. Not Stewie. I can't think of someone that really fits John, so Stewie is a decent first approximation. He also has an element of Tom Tucker. If Dave come's out as Stewie then I'll laugh. He's somewhere between Brian and Mayor Adam West.

This is a great story that reminds me that while I love economics, I will never forget how down right thick so much of it is:

We were discussing the demand for labour, and how it presents a problem because people are paid according to their output or product. In theory, the most productive people are paid more. The problem is that in many areas of work, measuring productivity is very difficult. One example is in health care: how do you measure how productive a doctor? Number of lives saved? One study based on, and I quote, "number of discharges per period", attempted to rate the productivity of hospitals. The results showed a range of hospital performance, but the reseachers found that one hospital was twice as productive as the next closest, and were puzzled as to why.

They never realised that is was, in fact, a maternity hospital. For everyone patient in, at least two were discharged.

Remembering this also reminded me that the guy who sat next to me kept chuckling during the lecture, at moments that weren't funny. Not that the lecturer isn't a funny guy: he is. He just laughed at perfectly ordinary statements. I wanted to rip off his lips.

Speak soon,

Craig

Which Family Guy character are you?


AAALLLL RIIGHT LETS DOOOO IT.

Today has been uncomfortable. I will not divulge reasons why. If you care, please ask, and don't say I didn't at least warn you.

Last night we went to Panic, which was good. I was dying for them to play a real rock out song, but it didn't happen. They did play the Foo's Everlong, which was bitchin'. Interesting things happen when I argue with Charl. An example:

I said that of course she would be a good investment banker, she's Jewish, and all Jews are incredibly good at finances.

She look aghast.

She said how do I explain her youngest sister, who is awful with money.

I said she probably wasn't Jewish.

She said of course she was Jewish, she has Jewish parents.

I said she was probably as Muslim or something.

She said how could she be a Muslim with blonde hair and blue eyes.

To be fair, she's right. She doesn't fit the picture of a Muslim. She does, however, fit the picture of a Aryan German, which is fairly ironic, considering.

This raises an interesting question about our identities depending on that which come from our parents. Do we necessarily begin life with the same attitudes and beliefs as our parents up to such a point we decide that they are wrong and we want to try something else? Or is it worse to shop around for the beliefs, religion, lifestyle until you find one you like? Are somethings above our ability to make a proper choice?

I want a biscuit.

Speak soon,

Craig.

I want to blogg before I go to Panic, but I am also irritatingly addicted to this Ramsey's Restuarant Nightmare's. I am thinking about seeking medical help. They are cooking mackeral sandwiches.

The moon is red tonight. We'll go look soon.

Have I said enough to stop myself getting by a fish yet? I've got nothing to say.

*goes outside*

It's too cloudy to see the moon.

I hope this has been worth your time. I feel like I've died a little inside.

When you work all day what is there interesting to put in a blogg? I believe the answer is nothing, but I'll let you know in a few minutes time.

One quick correction from yesterday. I said that I was feeling lucid on Mayday morning. Apparently this means clear and vivid. This is clearly not right. The word I of course meant to say was flaccid. I felt flaccid on Mayday morning because I had been up for so long. I suppose if your up for too long, eventually you are going to be flaccid. The problem is I have now been flaccid for several days, having not fully recovered from the exhausting night of partying. The only time I am not flaccid is for ten minutes every morning when I wake up, but it soons wears off.

Tomorrow I will be going to Panic. Last time we went, the DJs pissed me off. Stupid indie kids. Metal is your savior. I am informed it is a lot better now. I shall dance and drink, but not at the same time.

I didn't really like Friends this week, except for Joey attempting French which was so funny. It relied on repetitive, silly lines, something the Friends of series 3 would never had had to, though. The remaining stories were weak and not particularly funny, as they are obviously heading for a satisfying, if not hilarious conclusion. I'm sure it will be better next week, but while I still laugh, it is clearly time to finish. Derron Brown was awesome though.

Speak soon,

Craig

Yesterday was a non-day, by admittance of everyone, so I remain fish-slap free...

The ball was really good, though I didn't do half the stuff I wanted to. Chesney Hawkes played a good set that everyone enjoyed. He has some good pop songs and played some cool covers, Don Maclean's "American Pie" being my favourite. He also seems like a really nice guy who genuinely enjoyed playing music, and loved being there. Grown men screaming We Love You Chesney probably helped. Twats. The Queen tribute was also loads of fun. "Freddie Mercury" was really good, and looked like he really knew how the be the man he was impersonating. They played all the sing-alongs and we got to go nuts for the "rock" bit of Bohemian Rhapsody so I was stoked.

And just to answer John, I did not avoid gladatorial combat. No-one could find him. I have my suspicions.

So I make the survivors photo at 4.30am, and watched Chris Sullivan be an utter prick with the floodlights. Then we headed back, and come six o'clock we were on Magdelan bridge. It was utterly surreal. The lack of sleep made things seem a little lucid (I don't know what that word means), and there was thousands of people standing around to hear a choir and a short service coming from out of a tower. I kept thinking of the Family Guy episode where Peter makes his house talk. I forget the quote. By which point my legs were deceased, no more, bereft of life they rest in peace. They were ex-legs.

Anyway, here is my photo of the ball.

BBQ was good, and loads of thanks to James for feeding the multitude.

And finally,

1.Go into your jounals's archives.
2.Find your 23rd post (or closest to).
3.Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4.Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions

--> "Therefore, if I do type something that makes no sense, its because you're "stupid" and don't "get" me and are a "cock"."

Hmm, that wasn't great.