Hey,

So I'm supposed to be up in 7 hours and three minutes time to get ready for work.  That is such a staggeringly short amount of sleeping time that my staying up and blogging can only make matters better.  I would like someone to justify this for me.  A complete answer must include two illustrations, one of which must be luminous, and must make excessive use of the word "rabid".

Just had a scan over BBC News.  I love headlines that are one word, and then a quote that takes a tentative story and makes it sound like a revelation.  For example: Smokers 'will die 10 years early'. I mean, thats almost an instruction.  There would probably be some sliding scale based on your level of smoking.  Non-smokers obviously get the full ten years, plus a lot more sex, the best jobs, and no big gapping hole in the throat.  Social smokers are given maybe seven or eight years.  Those who smoked at a young age but gave up later are given a chance at the full ten.  Everyone is started walking towards the edge of a cliff.  Along the way, famous film stars are shown in various stages of plummeting towards some jagged rocks.  The full ten years are given to those who decide that, in fact, there might be an alternative route.  Finally those that smoke and insist that it is their right to do so will be a brief demonstration that it is my right to cover them in meat juice and release a pack of starving hyenas.  Hey, who am I to argue with the EU constitution?  

But, you see, I can play the headline game too.  How about:

Dogs 'are not as clever as ducks, but are less flammable'
Jews 'were right all along'
Parsnips 'help you see in the dark, but only in monochrome'
Ducks 'did not willingly participate in this experiment'
Milton Keynes 'does not really exist'
Tuesday 'now a class B drug'

I was amused today to find out that a charachter of the Simpsons is coming out.  Of course, it'll probably end up being someone no-one really cares about, like when they said they were killing off a charachter.  I mean, come on, Maud?  I actually cheered when she got hit by a T-shirt.  Anyway, Mr. Burns is too obvious, and its not going to be a Simpson.  Flanders is pretty girly, but I don't think so, what with him being a Christian and all.   I'm going for Principal Skinner, just because its stupid and will probably lead to an hundred thousand silly jokes.

Current time: 1:01am.  So now you have some idea how long it takes my brain to figure stuff out, especially when I have absolutely nothing to say.  John is talking at me also.  It is infinite times more entertaining than writing, because I have writer's elbow. I don't get it.  The expression "screwed in the head" gives me minutes of amusement, and all in all, its much better being surreal when you've got someone to do it back to you.

Speak soon,

Craig

For want of a six, the territory was lost.
 
For want of a territory, the continent was lost
 
For want of a continent the reinforcements were lost.
 
For want of reinforcements, the mission was lost: and all for the want of a six.
 
I really hate Risk sometimes.

Speak soon,

(Anon.)

Quick update to tell the world that I watched Spiderman 2 last night. 

Things I liked: 

Seemed a lot more like a comic book in a film.  The surgery scene came off a lot more like a horror scene, with close-ups of terrified screaming doctors and panic and mayhem.  I thought the first one, in retrospect, lacked a lot of that.
Special effects were dazzling; the fight on top of the train was tremendous.
Peter Parker is a ton more sympathetic than in the previous film.  I may have even started to care about him.  His charachter is pretty complicated and I totally dig that.
Kirsten Dunst.

Things I didn't like:

Didn't care for the ending.  I'm pretty sure Spiderman never gets the girl in the comic books, though I could be wrong.  Go on, someone tell me I'm wrong.  I thought at the very least they could have dragged that part out for another film or two.  It should have finished after Harry finds the Green Goblins room.

All in all, theres a lot more to like than to dislike.  Good film.

We also saw a trailer for a film called Open Water.  It looks either really bad or utterly amazing.  I hope for the latter.

Speak soon,

Craig

EDIT:  How did I totally forget the mention J. Jonah Jameson?  That charachter is brilliant and JK Simmons plays it fantastically and is the one truly comic part of the film.  Ahahaha.  The bit where he names Doctor Octopus is, like, well funny.

Oh. Hell. Yeah. It's probably a sad indication that my life is full of pointless things, but living without an Internet connection for close on 3 weeks has nearly killed me.  I mean, I feel like I know nothing.  The world has passed me by.  I am bereft of both purpose and meaning.

So, onto AOL.  We signed up perfectly easily.  That should have been the first warning.  You never sign up for anything perfectly easily, unless its gonna fuck you in the ass in a couple of days time.  As it turns out, AOL is a cable broadband service, a fact mentioned not one time during sign up, and only on a confirmation  letter sent to my parents.  What good is that?  My parents here "cable", they think "wires".  And all computers run on wires, so whats the problem? Anyway, two engineers came along:

"OK, this is what were gonna do.  The box sitting in the bottom corner of your garden.  We'll run the wires along this fences, I'm going to have to channel out a small tunnel that I'll later fill with some Insta-Drive(tm).  Then, the cable runs through this wall..."

"But, thats the lounge.  The computer is the other end of the house."

"Right.  OK.  Well we could run it through the garage, and drill here..."

"Look, what is this about drilling?"

"To make holes, you see?"

"Yes, I see"

"You see?"

"I certainly do.  Look, let me just go speak to someone who, you know, actually built this house and run your drilling plan past him"

And that was the day the Internet was no more.

OK, onto other things.  We went to Disneyland Paris which was good.  Space Mountain isn't as great as I remembered it to be, but the new Rock 'n' Rollercoaster is really bitchin'.  It's very similar to the one in Orlando, with the accelerated start that takes your breath away, and I'm pretty sure its faster all the way round compared to its Florida counterpart.  Plus, you have Aerosmith playing in the background.  What more could you want?

Then there was the funny stuff.  We went to a steakhouse on the last night.  When our order came, we were missing some onion rings.  The waiter was walking off:

My Dad: Excuse me. Sorry.  Excuse me. HOLA!

Me: Wrong languange by a mile, Dad.

(Waiter comes back)

Waiter: Sí señor, cuál soy el problema?

Me: Oh for fucks sake.

Anyway, he later denied saying hola, instead insisting it was a noise of some form, which I forget.  Maybe mola or wola or something.  Either way, I'm not sure its a good excuse, let alone a better alternative.

Second funny observation.  At Birmingham airport, there is the usual sign that says do not take onboard the aircraft the following things:  Nail scissors, metal combs, tweezers, the usual lethal implements.  At Charles de Gaulle airport, the sign is a bit different.  It says "do not take on the following items: gas cannisters, solvents, fireworks, proper big blades, machetes..."  The French have the right idea.  Who actually ever thought of attacking anyone with a metal haircomb before the UK airports said you couldn't take on onboard?  There's probably been a rash of hair-maintenance related assaults since September 11th, that so far, no-one has tapped into.  And whose to blame?  Alice is to blame.  I used to feel bad about blaming Alice for everything, but then she ditched everyone in the last week of term to go sunbathe.  Plus, she very well may not exist.

Hope everyone has a good weekend at James.  I'd be there, but its Sale weekend, and I'm busting my ass to afford stuff in the future.

That's as much as I care to remember.

Speak soon,

Craig

I apologise to all my many many avid readers for the lack of posting on the past fortnight. I'm currently writing from a library, because we have no Internet at home. It's a great story, and consequently, I'm making it the subject of my thesis. In brief, AOL suck, as the french would say, le big donkey cock.

Anyway, a great deal has happened in the past two weeks. When I am back online, I'll share. Until then, be happy that I have written anything. Oh, and go see Shrek 2, which is the funniest film in a year. "I've found cat nip" "Ees not mine!".

Speak soon

Craig