Hey,

(Sung like Status Quo) Here we go-o, blogging for over a year (loops fourteen times and fades out).

Not one post in a week of such magnitude that magnitude is not the name for it the name for it is actually Tony a butcher from Kidiminister. I apologise. To make up, I bring your a blog entry so spectacular that by comparison London is just a large city.

Things I have learnt this year number 1: Always open with a joke.

A GP, a psychiatrist and a social worker walk into a pub, and section everyone.

Things I have learnt this year number 2: People like to know about the face and body behind the name.

As many of you know, I came to England in the mid 1990s having worked on a cruise ship where I was a lifeboat. Entering the country was particularly difficult because the government at the time was cutting down on former lifeboats entering the country, so I disguised myself as a person with my face and walked past customs wearing a pair of flares I kept stored onboard in case of an emergency. They caused a lot of distress.

I remember my childhood was awkward: my legs were five feet long, while I was only four and a half. I enjoyed sports and captained all of them at once. I was suspended for taking a dive during a football match, off the high board of the local swimming pool. I almost landed on my caddy, who had just scored his half century and a three-pointer. I was also a talented musician, though I never learned an instrument. To compensate, I used to walk to school in E-minor. Later in life I was stopped by the police. The officer asked me how fast I thought I was going. I said about 76 bpm.

By comparison, getting into Oxford to study was much easier. I had purchased three A grades in Maths, Economics and Physics and a D in Drama from a man who most of the time sells hotdogs at Old Trafford during half-time, and presented them to the man at the gates of the city. He let me through with a wave, which was a little bit Mexican. It eventually stopped halfway down Woodstock Road, so I got off and went inside the college there. It was St. Anne's College, founded in 1873 and again in 2002 by me. Here I remained.

Things I have learnt this year number 3: Statistics are much more interesting than anything you can ever write.

The year 2004-2005, broken down:

Months used: 12

Weeks flown by: 7

Days wasted: 32

Minutes spent counting the minutes: 576

Entries posted: 153
...Of which ruled: 49
...Of which did not rule: 21
...Of which caused mild amusement: 82
...Of which caused mild rashing: 17

Opinions ventured: 91

Arguments won: 19

Arguments lost: 423
...Of which were with my girlfriend: 423

Races offended: 12

Jokes told: 396
...Of which were self-depricating: 92
...Of which were were too close to the mark: 43
...Of which were within decent proximity to the mark: 54
...Of which were about Mark: 12
...Of which caused mild rashing: 47
...Of which were stolen: 123
...Of which were subsequently stolen by others: 32
...Of which were printed on a t-shirt: 1

Rivers crossed: 20

Mountains climbed: 52

Physical adversity metaphors employed: 2

Chickens counted: 86
...Of which had not yet hatched: 42
...Of which had previously hatched: 47
...Of which were treading the hatched/not hatched threshold: 6
...Of which turned out to be an albatross: 1

Mild rashing: 29

Patricia Hewitt: 5,204

Punchlines missed in error:

Things I have learnt this year number 4: Always have an credible exit route.

I say, look at that shrew, I think it's playing Brahms...

Speak soon,

Craig